I lived by your surrender and my ruin. You were my undoing. My cage. You were all I wanted, I needed.
Despite all the books, I understood gravity when your hand touched down to meet mine. Despite all the lessons on loyalty, I understood when I painted you with a halo.
I called names in the dark; they were all sweet nicknames of you. You were the king of my senses. A tongue remembering how to spell your name, eyes used to your silhouette, ears that memorized your voice, skin burning up for your touch, and all I ever needed was your breath to awaken me.
You were my twin flame, my divine partner, an answer to my prayers, sent from hell. You were a lifeline I didn’t know I was holding on to. A string I never thought I would lose.
Your shortcomings- mere inspiration for my excuses.
You were the most beautiful star I set my eyes on; even having the privilege of witnessing your existence was sometimes a reason to believe God did love me somehow.
Insanity, fragments, hellfire, night, my sweet moonlight; because although fleeting, we burned like a comet. The only time we looked our best together.
I saw the shadow of you, your shape, your anger, your absence, and cuddled to sleep there- your darkness, the safest place I knew. Now you’re just an echo of all my desires.
I wanted answers, and you gave me distance.
I wanted you, but you gave me fragments.
Haunting me.
A sin.
My purgatory made of your lies.
An eternal doom.
A story that started with no prologue. It ended with torn pages at the end, fluttering in the wind, smoldering embers at the corners of the blackened tips.
Silence. Obsession and then the void.
The emptiness of where you should have been, the void of your place in my life, the moment your steps faltered and stopped, refusing to come with me further.
It aches like vodka burning through my bloodstream.
So here I kneel in the pool of your blood, smoking a cigar of memories, blowing wishes and unfulfilled wants out into the universe…freeing them from the cage of my heart.
A sad smirk graced the corner of my lips…my lips…the lips that ached for your fingertips, a taste of you. I gulp it all down before this wishful scenario settles in my brain again, latching onto all its strength, ruining me more and more.
Silk on my skin, candlelight dancing on my naked chest, making shadows of my contours go ecstatic. These tiny pockets of heaven in the dark recesses of my neck, I had put your name on it all.
My body thrums with a need only you could have satiated. You, the only one I would have allowed to.
You are the ache I feel the most. You are the dream unfulfilled. Never to be mine. You were never mine. But to the devil I wish you were.
The smoke from the cigar thins…dancing like a stripper around a pole dressed in a fiery, smoky, white fire dress. She looks ethereal…we could have brought heaven down to earth. You and I. The best short-lived paradox to ever exist.
I close my eyes and wonder what your touch could feel like, making me bend my back, run my fingers on the lengths of my arms…my neck rotates and my hair curtains to hide my eyes filled with need and lust.
I liked you rough and crass, but now watching you lying dead at my feet makes me wonder how I should have felt loved. There was a halo around your head ever since I saw you, a pedestal I put you on. I loved you so hard I mistook you for God.
But it is a brutal death to fall from grace.
Nursing your loss, licking the scratches from battles I never wanted to win. This war within me is tearing at the seams, but it’s just too late. A single tear falls down the length of my face, just like how your fingers traced my shape; it wipes away your touch and takes it away with its salty tide. A tide that will wash me over, ruin me, and by the time I emerge out of it, I will be reborn colder with clearer edges, but without a war to live through.
I won- this is the biggest loss I ever had.
